Tools to Help Your Kids Adjust to Living in Two Separate Homes

You hear over and over again how resilient kids are, and it's true. They'll adjust to every change that comes their way. Sometimes they'll adjust extremely well; and other times, the road will be bumpy for quite awhile while they test new boundaries and learn to trust that they can share their feelings and still be loved unconditionally.

But what makes it easier for kids who are adjusting to the new life that comes after a divorce or separation?

Consistency, for one thing. When you make an effort to create smooth, consistent transitions between your homes, you make it easier for your kids to anticipate and plan for their lives in each new setting. In addition, talking with your kids about their feelings is key, and it doesn't happen in one conversation. You want to give them plenty of opportunities - again and again - to feel understood, even while you know you can't just wave a magic wand and make it all go away.

If you feel unsure about how to meet your kids' emotional needs while you're each adjusting to life in two separate homes, try using a tool like the book My Two Homes, by Susan Magsamen. It's actually a kit that includes a book for parents and kids, and a small binder your kids can use to ferry information back and forth between mom's house and dad's house. It may seem like a small thing in the face of all that your kids are going through, but having something tangible like this to help them remember that thing that they just couldn't wait to tell you, or put the spelling test they wanted you to see, can really make your kids feel more confident and in control during a time of turmoil.

Another book that I really like is called We're Having a Tuesday, by DK Simoneau. It tells the story of a little girl who is adjusting to returning to her mom's house on a Tuesday. At first, she's angry and put out about the change, but by the end of the picture book, she realizes that there are things she appreciates about each of her parent's homes, and the once-tempestuous Tuesdays become a time of celebration.

For parents, tools like these can be a positive reminder that the turmoil is not unique to your house. But for kids, handing you these books to read at bedtime can be a tender way of saying, "Hey, I need to revisit this again. Can you reassure me?"

Do that - again and again. It's one of the best ways to let your kids know that your love is constant, no matter what changes and challenges you face.

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