Readers Respond: What Hurtful Assumptions Have Been Made About You As a Single Parent?

Unfortunately, even today, there are a lot of assumptions made about single parents. Knowing only that you are raising your children alone, some people will assume that your children must be from a "broken home," or that they will have a harder time doing well in school, or will lack self-esteem or self-control.

As you think back on your life as a single mom or single dad, what has been the most hurtful thing that anyone has ever said to you about being a single parent, and how did you respond?

I Chose It!

The most hurtful assumption I've experienced is that I screwed up somehow and therefore became a single parent. I, in fact, CHOSE to be a single parent. After waiting for years for Mr. Right, I decided to move ahead and adopt a little girl. From the start, people who don't know us assume she's an "accident" resulting from a relationship with a father of a different race. Some of my more provincially thinking coworkers assume that I just screwed up and am "unfair" to my child for adopting as a single parent. I always want to say that the demographic of single parenthood is changing, and you can no longer assume that it was all an unfortunate circumstance. Single parents by choice are a growing number, and we are really challenging the stereotypes so many people believe.

—Guest Lin

It's So Worth It

I'm a single dad with two boys, Tanner, who's 11, and Aaron age 6. I live in Oklahoma in a midsized town. There are a lot of people studying me like a hawk. My boys are top of their class, and they're doing awesome in everything they do. I run my own company, and I still have plenty of time for them. I have no family here, and no babysitter. It can be done! You just have to keep in mind that they are studying you and trusting you. God gave me the two boys, and I don't want to let Him down. Their mom got on painkillers, and hasn't come to see them for over two years. She started harder drugs, like meth, for one. So, guys, just understand one thing, the courts are getting used to our situation. If you have your priorities right, it will work out. My boys have never been happier. They feel safe now. I have a new-found respect for single mothers, as well. It's not easy.

—Guest Jason

Dad Raising 4 Daughters

Although the stigma slowly slipped away as I got older, I had a difficult time watching women run for the door when they learned how many children I have. That may have been the most hurtful non-verbal message I received. With time, I focused on my young children, and we developed strong, healthy relationships. Eventually women saw my engaging commitment to my children, and this became an attractive feature. I write in a blog inspired by these experiences: www.parentingforsingles.blogspot.com

—Guest Bruce

Happier Now

I've had my two boys now for more than two years. It was a hard thing to get adjusted to at first, but it is well worth it. Their mother started doing drugs, neglecting the kids, and became abusive. Sometimes you just have to do what is best for the kids, no matter what!

—Guest Jason

It's Up to Us to Change the Perspective!

Despite popular assumptions, single parents are not all broke, busted and disgusted! That’s like saying, ALL African Americans like fried chicken and watermelon. Or, ALL Jamaicans smoke weed! These and many other stereotypes have come about due to a history of consistency among cultures and groups of people. So, I guess you can't completely blame the onlookers. But what I will say is that we alone are responsible for altering the image of single parenting. I DO NOT BELIEVE IN GLORIFYING IT but instead, working just a little bit harder and making fewer excuses for how we ended up here. I am on a mission to change the way society views single parenting (especially single moms), but the only way that will happen is if we all get on board as individuals and make a collective effort to change it. The majority rules, always. If interested, visit my blog www.samestorydifferentface.com and keep in touch with me, as I will with you. It a project that’s just started but it is going somewhere!

—Guest SameStoryDifferentFace

The View of a Child

I never told anybody. I was so angry at my dad. I still am. My dad was so mean to my poor mum, I wanted to beat him. The most terrible thing is how normal it is for your parents to be split. I wanted a dad who would take care of me, hug me when I had problems in school, and be proud of me. Instead, he terrorized my mum and disrupted our everyday life. I spent evenings beating the pillows with my fists and crying. My mum always stood at my side, and I am very grateful. My mum was not part of a very small minority. She was normal.

—caninesidney

50-ish Men Taking Out Their Crises On Me

I guess I haven't noticed too much discrimination -- maybe it's there and I just don't see it. The one thing that really does shock me, though, is men in their 40's and 50's who're clearly unhappy with how their lives have gone, and are looking for someone to feel superior to. They seem to think it'd be keen to pity me and that I'd fall gratefully into their laps. And they get really nasty and angry when they finally understand -- and boy does it take a while to get through -- that a) I don't want them; b) I'm actually pretty happy, have a great kid, a nice house, and a good life. I don't know who they think they are, but they seem to think single moms exist so that they can be better than *somebody*. It's insulting!

—Guest myself

Single Mom-to-Be

I've been doing this by myself from the beginning, and the place where I work is full of old-school women. The worst thing I've heard was a resident saying to another resident, "She's going to hell because she's having a baby out of wedlock." And, sadly, I can't say anything back. Another one was "OMG! She's a single mother. I wonder what she did to scare the dad away." All I could think about was, really, how many of these women could sit there and truly say they were happily pregnant and married (while complaining about what their husbands put them through). My baby's father wanted nothing to do with us, and yet it's my fault?

—Guest singlemomact1

"Single Parent on the Prowl"

I remember being in a crowd of women at my daughter's school, where I volunteered. Once they learned I was divorced, the other women acted like it was catching or I was on the prowl for their man. Men were the farthest thing from my mind after ending a 20 year relationship! My daughter's well being and education were on my mind. Being a single mom with a job, it was hard to volunteer, but I did it every week. I sure could have used some female friendship at the time, too, since I was in a new town and all.

—Guest Marjie

Hooray for Single DADS!

I think it's very easy and convenient for people to just assume that because we're men, we can't care for our children -- like some variety of biological impediments will prevent men from caring for children! Right after a really challenging divorce, my ex-wife told me the day before she left town that I would be taking care of our 2 year-old full-time by myself for a few months. She swore up and down she'd move back when the summer was over, and now she says she'll stay out of state--five hours away -- for "one to three years, but don't quote me on that." She sees her daughter for six weeks out of the year. Her first priority is -- and always has been -- herself. Her daughter is a tote bag or an accessory so she can walk up to people and say, "I'm a mother." She brings shame on the brave and hardworking mothers out there. I'm 26, I work two jobs, I'm in grad school, and my little girl and I are sticking it out together. No matter what happens, she will always have me!

—Guest Freddy Quinlan

First Time Around

I'm 22 and pleasantly shocked. My boyfriend of 4 years deliberately got me pregnant because I was trying to leave him. We weren't happy (at least I wasn't, anyway). He said this was the only way to keep me. Then he tried to turn my family and friends against me so that I'd have to depend on him alone. His plan backfired. My parents, and family have been so kind and gracious to me and have let me stay and are helping me. I have gotten the most negative, mean, and rude comments from females, friends/strangers - some from people who are in a very similar position! I've found the saying "too blessed to be stressed" to be very true, so I don't let it get to me. I got my B.A. this summer, and my now "ex" has vanished because he didn't get his way. I think it's for the best. God has been so good to me though this. God has blessed my unborn child more than I ever thought possible. This has given me incredible faith and made me a believer. My son will be in want for nothing. Not even a father - God will be his heavenly father, and his provider.

—Guest blessed_baby

In an Abusive Relationship

I have a son who is almost 2 years old. My boyfriend and I have been together 8+ yrs. Although according to the state we've only been together for 3 years (because he lied to Social Services about us NOT being together to get food stamps and general assistance). So according to the state we do not have a 'common-law marriage.' However, my son shares his dad's last name. I have found proof that he has been cheating on me for over a year, and DYFS was called on both of us by my sister (out of spite because she was mad at me). I want to leave him, but I don't have more than a high-school education, and no job (due to the fact that he is always going out and I have no one to watch our son). Both of my parents are unemployed, and his parents are very rich. He always threatens me that I would never get custody of our son because his parents have money and would get a great lawyer and that I'd never see my son ever again. I live in fear, and I'm still under his roof. He's controlling and mean and all I want is my son.

—BooBoo322

My Ex-Wife is a Liar and a Thief

I tried the best I knew how with my first wife. She was a liar and a thief. The court ordered me to pay less child support than I paid voluntarily. That should have been a wake up call to someone. They ordered her to give me visitation rights. I obeyed and paid and would have liked to have done more. She never let me visit them or have them and she is the most evil liar I've ever known, right next to judges, lawyers, and uncaring court officials?

—Guest stevejacobball

Yep, Sure...

What irks me is people's assumptions that all parents are made single in the same way. I wonder how many other divorcees or widows/widowers who are raising kids on their own have had to correct someone accusing them of having 10 or more "baby daddies". Then there is the men who need to get over themselves. Just because a woman is single raising kids does not mean she wants you. I find it hilarious the reaction that some men have going by me and my children in the grocery store, like they think I'm going to ask them to be my kids' dad. As someone who came from a long-time abusive relationship, men are the last thing I want to deal with. My children are my top priority and concern in this world, not you. Get over yourselves!

—Guest blobbityblarb

Why Always the Mother?

I am a father of a wonderful young lady who has a drug addict mother. I tried to get custody when her mother got so bad that she forged a prescription. She went to jail, and she had loads of bad checks out (for thousands of dollars). When we went to court, she admitted to being an addict. She did not deny moving my daughter in and out of six places in eight months. At the time of the court date, she had no car, no job, and had recently moved back to her mother's house (because the lawyer she had told her she would look better in court). Tennessee awarded her custody, decreased my visitation, and upped my child support! I am married, have a great record (meaning a job, child support payments, I'm not a criminal, etc.). I have a three bedroom home and two newer cars. I make above average pay, and my wife works also. I hear stories of fathers in my situation all the time. Dads are more than a $1,200 paycheck every month! Meanwhile, her mother has been on government assistance for years, while I have never been! Why is preference always given to mothers?

—Guest Superdad