From the article: Effects of Abandonment in Children
Unfortunately, custody visitation plans aren't always written in stone. Things come up, plans change--and, in the process, little hearts get broken. When this has happened to your child--either because custody visitation plans were changed for a legitimate reason, or because the other parent has become a repetitive "no show," what have you learned to say or do what has been particularly helpful for your child? Share your thoughts here. Share Your Strategy
Dealing With No-Shows
- Unfortunately, this is a situation we deal with often. My boys are young (4 and 2) so I try to keep things vague and not tell them when Dad is coming until the last minute. When I do tell them, I make sure to frame it as "Daddy is going to TRY to see you this weekend." When he cancels, I try to get him to talk to the boys, but he usually refuses. Even if he gives them a lame or vague excuse, it does help for them to hear it from him. As others have said, I don't ever bad-mouth him. Just "Daddy thought he'd be able to see you today, but something happened, and he'll see you again soon." I tell them that it's OK to be sad or disappointed, and then try to spend some extra quality time with them to make up for it. It still breaks my heart when my 4 year old says, "Daddy told us he was coming, but he lied."
- —SingleParentExaminer
Always Have a Backup Plan
- I have learned through experience that a backup plan is a must. If you have a plan and don't use it, save the idea for another time, because you will need it eventually. I also think age-appropriate, frank, and honest feedback should be given to the child, as you do not want to affect your bond with them by covering up for the other parent. Especially if your child is old enough to "connect the dots" with the date and time of the visit, you have to provide some type of response. Heartbreak is unavoidable, so be prepared. Also, the backup doesn't have to be anything BIG, but it should be something just for them. For example, if you were planning to do errands, squeeze in a short trip to the park or the library. I always keep craft supplies on hand, so I usually take a portion of my day to make something if that is the case. Perhaps a special lunch or dinner (out or at home) can be done. I have learned to keep my plans flexible, just in case. As the primary caregiver it is a must.
- —singlec
Cancellations and No-Shows
- It happens to my kids a lot. Here's what I do: 1) If they don't ask, I don't tell them when he's coming until the last minute, just to avoid let-down. 2) If they do ask, I say,"He said he'll be here Monday at 11." 3) When he cancels, I tell them exactly what he said: "Dad called to say he has a flat tire and can't make it." If possible, I ask him to talk to them. 4) I empathize with their feelings without editorializing his behavior. 5) If they ask questions or are upset, I ask if they want to call and leave him a voice mail (because he won't answer the phone) or write him a letter. 6) I don't trash their dad. Instead, I'll find a quiet moment after the let-down to tell them their dad loves them and that he has problems that aren't their fault. I remind them that his problems are about him, not them, and that we all hope he gets better, but that only he can make that happen. I also remind them that they have many people they can count on, such as our family and friends.
- —Elph11
I Wish I Had a Daddy...
- When your child says, "I wish I had a daddy," it feels like someone just ripped your heart out, knowing that the absent parent chooses to be absent. In my case, "Dad" pays support, and that's great. However, when my son cries out for his daddy, I have to gently explain that he doesn't want to be a daddy right now, and it makes me sad, too. I then ask him if he would like to send him an email or give him a call to let him know how he feels. Usually, the answer is no, but you'd be surprised how uncomfortable the other parent feels when they have to answer to their own child.
- —Mom2kan
Canceled Plans
- Ordinarily what I do is have the noncustodial talk to him on the phone so I won't be the bearer of bad news. If it's because he's sick, then I'll explain that to him (if he doesn't get to talk to his dad). Occasionally, though, something will come up like he has an appointment or something, and he can't come get him. In that case, I'll explain to my son that dad is far away and didn't expect his appointment to run over. This instance was actually one of the few times that probably couldn't have been helped, but he did let me know ahead of time that it was a possibility. My son was disappointed, though, because they were supposed to do something fun, so he was actually mad. I just basically explained it wasn't his dad's fault, and that most of time he is able to come get him. Unfortunately, things happen.
- —emccree08
