Readers Respond: What Are the Biggest Challenges to Making a Regular Visitation Schedule Work?

Visitation schedules work best when they're planned out in advance, and each person involved knows what to expect, and when. However, consistent visitation routines aren't always easy to set up and maintain. Share the biggest challenges you've faced in trying to establish a regular visitation schedule, and, if possible, how you've managed to resolve those issues in order to establish a regular visitation schedule work for you and your family.

Note: If you'd like to ask a question about visitation instead, please visit the Single Parents' Forum.

Visitation Challenges

What do you do when custodial parent is trying to limit your time with your child? Barred from school lunches (one day a month)... No extra time... Using the visitation agreement as their Bible... ("If it's not in the agreement, you can't do it.") You coach your child in sports, and you're told "no extra practice time" just on your weekends... Refusing to take the child to practice... ("I'm not taking the child to practice; you can take child to practice on your weekends.") Not being included in the child's school work, homework, school activities... (Being told by guardian ad litem, "It's not up to the custodial parent to kept you informed. Develope a relationship with the school on your own.") What about the child having learning problem in school? The non-custodial parent is willing to pay for a tutor and sets it up, but the custodial parent refuses to take the child to the tutor... Being told by guardian ad litem that you're operating outside of you rights... This is being done right in front of our eyes with the courts' blessing. And are the needs of child being considered? Nope!

—Guest andrew jackson

Dads are Parents, Too!

Dirty divorce tactics were done to me after I filed. She accused of everything. I enjoy 50 percent placement. Don't let moms act superior to raising young ones. My 2- and 3-year-olds scream and cry on return to her. Fight for your rights! It's not easy, but the rewards are doubled and so worth it. Life is short, and they grow too fast. Just because babies come out of woman does not automatically make them good parents. We had week on, week off, due to her hostility towards me. And the kids sensed it. They need schedules and routines; otherwise their worlds are chaos. This cannot be done every other weekend. Never give up!

—Guest Ryan

Grandparent Guardianship

Both parents abandoned him the third day of his life. Now mom is remarried and is wanting to take him away from us, his grandparents, who have been raising him since he was three days old. Sometimes she'd go months or more without any communication. And now she's demanding more and more time and asking him if he wants to live with her. He is like my own, even though I didn't give birth to him. And she basically has no involvement financially, emotionally, providing care, or anything else other than to showcase him occasionally on Facebook. What rights do we have?

—Guest heartbroken grandparent

Consider Your Child's Best Interests!

To those who say that mothers are being selfish for nursing your baby, you are being ridiculous! A mother and a child are biologically inseparable for years! They child is meant to be nourished by its mother, and you could be doing your child damage by pushing for long visitations. There is no reason that you can't work your visitation around your child's nursing schedule. It is of huge benefit for your child to encourage breastfeeding as long as possible (yes, at least 2.5 to 7 years is the biological norm). Your child will be smarter, stronger, more confident, more empathetic, and a better person overall for this. I thought you wanted the best for your child...not just the best for you.

—Guest Fairness to Babes

He Changes His Mind Now?

My daughter is about 4 and 1/2 years old and is a very happy, full of life child! Up until her fourth birthday, her father never had anything to do with her. I am in a relationship with a great man that she adores and we have a great future together as a family. Our union in marriage will require a move in the same state but about 300 miles away. Now my ex says he wants to be in my daughter's life and he says he will stop me from being able to move. How can he do that if the move will improve her quality of life and allow me a better job? Plus, she doesn't want to have anything to do with her dad. She wraps herself around my legs when he comes to see her and it breaks my heart when she calls my phone saying she wants to come home to be with me because she doesn't like it there! I sure hope I have the upper hand in this because I have been doing it alone for her whole life. And he changes his mind now?

—Guest SouthernSunflower

How Much Should I Do?

I have a 7-year-old, and early on my ex would agree to have him one weekend out of four. Then he moved away and I went to study for 3 years near where he lived at the time, so we would share the pick-up and drop-off. He then moved further away and I stayed put. I have no car, he does, but now I work 6 days a week, with only Sunday off. I finish work at 6, and 2 of the days I am taking my son to clubs on pubic transportation and also he comes to work with me on the odd Saturday. My work load has changed so much compared to his, which is a 7 days working out of 14. He tells me it is fair that I still either drop our son off or collect him, but it comes to the point where I now spend 5 hours on a train collecting him on a Sunday! (The only day I have off with my son or without.) But still, I'm told it's fair that I should do my part.

—Guest guesty west

Plan a Good Schedule & Get it in Writing

During our divorce my ex-wife and I kept things fairly civil. We did have the occasional argument, but things never got too out of control. We went for a dissolution and even though we have joint custody, she suggested a visitation schedule because of the long hours I worked. But she also assured me that I could see my kids any other days I wanted. On the court papers it states that I can see my kids whenever we both agree outside the visitation. We have been divorced for almost 2 years and it is a struggle getting to see my kids any other day than the ones on the visitation schedule. All of my kids would like to spend more time with me but she just won't allow it. There's always an excuse or she just simply tells me that she doesn't want to give up her time with the kids. I wish I would have asked for more time with them and came up with a better visitation for both my ex and I. Now I have to wait for something to change so I can ask for a modification on the custody.

—Guest JSCts

Our Biggest Challenge is...

...sadly, convincing the ex-H that he should spend more time with his 2 sons. Unfortunately, since the girlfriend came on the scene (which was during the marriage), the ex-H's family no longer matters. The girlfriend's schedule is the one that takes precedence; his own children have to make due with whatever is left over, which is pathetically little. On the other hand, it's probably for the best in the long run. The boys will grow up not knowing him, but better still - they will not be influenced by his mid-life-crisis-induced, narcissistic, degenerate behavior.

—Guest Nifty Guestie

Grandparent's Rights

I can't see my grandson because they won't let me, and its not healthy for my grandson. I've been there since birth up until November, 2010, and now he has temporary custody and denies any of us from the mom's side of the family to see them.

—Guest ccrider

Inadequate Visitation

I hear so many stories about parents fighting for time with their kids. My son's dad sees him for a few hours one night a week, and he refuses to do any more. If I try to talk to him about being more involved, he just says he doesn't have time. He has a very structured 8-4 job, so I see this as just plain selfishness. I have many single parent friends with kids, and my son sees the more typical scenarios, like his friend going to his dad's house for the whole weekend, for example. He's five now and it's only a matter of time before he's going to start asking why he can't see his dad more. I hope he does, because I'm going to direct him to ask his dad why. It's sad to have to watch my son miss these opportunities to be with his dad.

—Guest DedicatedMom

My Ex Chose His New Family Over Our Kids

My ex remarried, and the visitation worked for about 3 years. However, they have a bad marriage (my reason for divorcing him) and she is very unstable. They were fighting one day and my son called the police. My ex told them that they were never going to see him again and now he refuses visitation. He chose his new wife and her children over his own children! I am glad that he is completely out of their lives, but I hate that he hurts them like this. I reassure them every day that I would NEVER choose a man over them.

—Guest Mary

The Biggest Challenges We Face

The biggest challenge is an ever-changing work schedule for both me and my ex-husband. However, we manage to make it work through good communication, establishing set weekends, and planning, planning, planning. We do not have a formal agreement through the courts, but by putting our son first and our past hurts and egos last, we have a flexible and respectful visitation arrangement.

—jillkthomas

Issue After Issue, After Issue....

I have been with my fiance for almost 5 years now and have watched him go through pure he** with visitation with his 8- & 10-year-olds. My fiance had to work every weekend & forced me to "baby-sit." The shifts he worked were 12 hours and always on the weekends because his ex-wife wouldn't budge on weekday visits vs. weekends. The kids aren't here to see me. They are here to see their Dad, and because of his hours he only saw them about 4 hours out of the weekend. This changed when she said the kids didn't want to be here when he wasn't here, & I said, "Well, then that's the way it's going to be," and hung up on her. That finally gave him fair visitaion. Then her next game was to interfere with visitation. It would be his time, but "this is going on" or "that," so he started demanding and make up dates. Now she tells them they don't have to listen to me because I am not their mother. I told the girls that they don't go to school & not listen to teachers because they are not Mom, do they? Don't use your kids as weapons.

—Guest Future Step-Mom

Disabled Adult

My stepdaughter is 26. She had an accident and suffered a TBI. Her father is her guardian and she has been living with us for a year. I have raised her since she was 4. We have been allowing her biological mother to visit 3 nights a week. She stays an hour or 2 max, while looking at her watch over and over. She gets upset every time we mention changing one of her days, but she wants to change FRIDAYS all the time. Now she is saying we refuse her visitation and has motioned the court. I have been more than fair with her and put up with attitude. Now we have to spend money on attorney to tell the truth. She never had visitation rights for the years before the TBI. I think she feels guilty since the daughter jumped out of a moving vehicle 10-15 minutes after leaving her biological mother's house. They were like fire and water. Wouldn't the usual visitation of one day a week be sufficient?

—Guest smileysfolks

Our Visitation Agreement Isn't Working

I have an eight year old daughter. Her father takes her 158 miles away from home anytime he wants to. Also, when he leaves with her, he will not tell me where he is staying with her, and I cannot talk to her until he allows me to (and sometimes not at all). We have a visitation plan signed by us and the court, but he will not follow it. He also visits with her on my days.

—downy123