From the article: Explanation of Joint Physical Custody
Sharing joint physical custody, also known as "shared parenting," "shared custody," or "dual residence," can be quite challenging to negotiate and manage. Share the biggest joint custody challenges you've faced so far, and how you've managed to resolve those issues in order to make joint custody work more effectively for you and your family. Share Your Insight
Cafcass (UK) Needs Abolishing
- Joint custody does not work when parents do not communicate. It's simple, and for all those do-gooders and mediators and cafcass officers that believe we should all be 'adult' about things and be able to sort things amicably, try doing it with someone who is narcissistic. In the real world, not all parents communicate, and that leaves the children being used as pawns and bait for antagonistic purposes. My ex fought for joint custody, yet when they are at his house he leaves them in the hands of others and never spends time with them (as happened in the marriage). He has remarried and my girls have been told to call her 'mum.' He's a businessman first and foremost, and his children are not allowed to be with me as a form of punishment for daring to escape his control. Children need stability, and unless both parents are completely amicable, it does not happen. My girls are extremely unhappy with the childcare arrangements, and I am powerless to do anything because of the law and what is laid out
- —Guest bornfree
- My solicitor advised me to have joint custody with my ex because I would 'look good' in court. What he failed to recognize was that childcare within the marriage was not shared. My ex was hardly around and I was left to rear our 5 children with little input from him. When we split and I told him I wanted to move back to my hometown, he fought tooth and nail for full custody of our 2 younger children, purely to control me without a thought for what his children wanted. He also has narcissistic personality disorder and they do not communicate, are on best behavior in court, and lie pathologically to those in positions of power. Cafcass and the judicial system have severely let me down, costing thousands in courts and solicitors' fees. My children and myself have been exposed to years of narcissistic abuse and cafcass was made aware of this by my older children, but it was disregarded. The law needs to take into account personality disorders and how to deal with them.
- —Guest bornfree
- I have joint custody with my ex. We divorced in 2001. I have never kept our daughter from seeing him. He was an alcoholic the first 8 years of her life. He remarried. His wife then took care of my daughter while she was there. Eventually they divorced because he beat her up. He beat her with a boat ore. She had a broken jaw. He was mentally abusive to me, but I never spoke of it. I continued to let him see my daughter. I have taken care of her on my own since she was 18 months old. Now he wants residential custody. Really?
- —Guest liberty
- I lost my son because a lawyer failed to inform me about the court hearing, so my ex boyfriend got him. I've been trying to get him back, but all I do spend money on lawyers and they don't do their job.
- —Guest Gigi
Challenges Hard Overcome for Fathers
- Workable joint custody agreements should be the goal of both parents, but -- sadly -- most fail! There are many factors that cause joint custody to fail: the bias and prejudice of the family court system, badly written divorce laws, and feminist groups are major factors.
I Want to Make 50/50 Work
- My son's father and I recently broke up. We were never married, but we were together 10 years. Our son is 3. We are doing 50/50 custody, but my worst fear is that my son won't love me as much as he does his dad, and that I'm not worth as much as I was. I know this is crazy, but I can't be the only one out there who has struggled with these same feelings.
- —Guest Casey
Joint Custody Issues
- I feel the same as that guy, only in my case I'm the mother. I got shared custody, but he still refuses to let me see them and no one's doing anything about it.
- —Guest angel
Can't Work When He Changes the Schedule
- My ex was having our son every weekend. This worked well for a while until he found out I was about to be employed part time. Now he wants to be with his new girlfriend more and has dropped a weekend. There's no chance of me working now to be self supporting! He is using my son as a pawn to get at me by dropping his time with him. Well, we know where his priorities are. It's very sad for my little boy who loves his dad.
- —Guest sandi
Wants a Civil Relationship
- In our custody agreement it clearly states, "No overnight company of the opposite sex until marriage (other than family members)." Well, my ex's girlfriend is living with my son and his dad. I know for fact! How can I get him for breaking the papers when he's the primary caretaker? It's so frustrating.
- —Guest Kayla
Joint Custody is a Myth
- In 90-97% of cases, the mother is awarded sole physical custody. The award of "joint custody" to the father is meaningless, because it is not upheld by the courts. They say that possession is 9/10ths of the law, and nowhere is that more true than in the divorce courts. A father with only visitation rights has no rights at all. Mothers hold out the child like the brass ring on a carousel. If dad doesn't jump through her hoops, he doesn't get to see his child. And the courts do nothing to protect his rights, and the right of the child the have a relationship with the father. Joint and legal custody are dirty tricks played on the fathers by the courts. Children need BOTH parents, but their needs are ignored in favor of profits to the court from payments from the child support collection agencies.
- —Guest Paul M. Clements
Shared Custody is the Best Alternative
- Shared custody has been proven by reams of research to be best for the child, the parents, the courts, and society in general. But payments to the state for collecting child support, and payments to the court from the child support collection agencies, ensure that sole custody, most usually by the mother, is the decision of choice. Dad is relegated to the role of checkbook in what amounts to a Communist TRANSFER OF WEALTH scheme. The best interests of the child are ignored in favor of the profits to the court.
- —Guest Paul M. Clements
Where is the Best Interest of the Child?
- I am the grandparent of a 12-month-old baby, whom I support financially. Plus, the father and son live in my home. The custody agreement states that the baby is supposed to stay with the father (he has residential custody) one week, and then his mother gets parenting time for one week. We live less than 30 seconds apart. The problem is that the mother does not use her parenting time and leaves this baby for months at a time without any visible contact with her. We went to court with witnesses and two attorneys, but the commissioner of domestic relations did not find anything wrong with the mother's behavior. When in this is the child considered? Why would anyone allow a child to be so traumatized by a mother who only chooses to be a mother when it fits into her schedule? We went through social services, too, to no avail. This takes place in Kentucky -- what a sad state.
- —Guest Guest Mattingly
Wishing I Had Sole Custody!
- My story goes back further than I can write. But my big issue is that I have taken care of my stepson more than both his parents; meaning I know him very well, and his own mother asks me to speak with him because he listens to me more than either of them. I know his mother has done the best job she thinks she could, but I feel she could --- and should -- do more. I have three kids of my own with my husband, and I have done 95% of the parenting with them. And they all get good grades and feel more comfortable talking with me. I want sole custody, but what do I do? I'm only the stepmother. I am still married to my husband, but he does not want to hurt anyone. I feel this is about the child, not the mother. She does not do anything with him; he is 10 years old and has talked to me about how he feels. And he wants to live with me and his father. What do I do? We would still make sure his mother spends time with him; we are not mean. Plus, I communicate with her well.
- —Guest Not just a stepmom
Joint Custody and Domestic Violence
- My ex wants to be apart of my daughter's life. Am I thrilled? No way in hell. If I can help it, he will have as little to do with her as possible. He is an alcoholic, abusive turd. Yet in Australia, he will get automatic equal rights unless he half kills her. The domestic violence order I was forced to take out against him (and believe me that was the last step) is going to be virtually nullified. He can demand that I drop/collect her from his house and not bring a third party/witness. Yay for me and my daughter's safety! I would love it if he never saw her again, and I would happily never receive a cent from him in return. It's not always selfishness or money. Sometimes a great deal of it is fear. And I live with this fear on a daily basis. Don't lump all mothers into the same boat. Time with him would not be a blessing, but just cause for extreme concern.
- —Guest dvmummy
Sad but True
- I have joint legal and physical custody of my two children. My ex-spouse does everything she can to prevent me from seeing my kids outside of my parenting plan. I travel a few times a year for work, and when I "ask" her to make up the day missed with the kids, the always have something else going on. She stopped working years ago (at her wish) and she still doesn't have a full-time job in order to continue to get the large amount I currently pay in child support. I really would like to become the custodial parent to prevent her from receiving child support. This woman refuses to even provide the kids' overnight belongings during their stay with me. She was the nerve to say, "Since we're co-parents, shouldn't you have clothing, etc., for them at your place of residency?" I, like anyone who pays support, believe if I'm paying you support, you should provide me with a minimum of their overnight clothes! Joint custody can work, but you must have civil parents who respects the other parent's rights
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