From the article: Explanation of Joint Physical Custody
Sharing joint physical custody, also known as "shared parenting," "shared custody," or "dual residence," can be quite challenging to negotiate and manage. Share the biggest joint custody challenges you've faced so far, and how you've managed to resolve those issues in order to make joint custody work more effectively for you and your family. Share Your Insight
Control and Money
- I have a 9-year-old son. He come to visit me over his Christmas break (for a whole 6 days that his mother let me see him). The first hour he was here with me, he informed me that the married man living in the house with him and his mother (who she had a baby with was holding the 3 month old infant upside down and yelling at it for not sleeping. I have had problems with my ex previously. She blocked my phone from my son's cell phone that was specifically for me to reach him on. She wouldn't let him answer my calls or emails at home. She only allowed me to see him 10 days out of a year. She moved and changed jobs numerous times - never informing me of the changes. After my son told me about the man and what he had done, I called her and confronted her about it. She is denying it and calling this man a blessing. She is pregnant again with his child. This will be this man's 7th Child with his fourth woman. He berates my ex in front of my son as well as smokes and drinks. And now she wants more money!
- —Guest Mike
Joint Custody Issues
- I have to agree with everyone's opinion on joint legal and physical custody. I, as well, have a very hard time communicating with my ex. If she doesn't like something I'm doing, she threatens to take me back to court. I also believe she tries to influence my kids' thoughts. With her doing that, it's almost impossible to even breathe. My kids have their own thoughts and can express them without the help of their mom's influence. It really stinks that they have to go through that because it hurts them.
- —Guest guest1
Jennifer, Don't Be a Pawn
- Jennifer, you've swallowed the dads'-rights line unthinkingly. Read the comments here! Better yet, read what the legislatures have to say. Those that have taken the time to study the issue find that 50/50 is *not* a good idea if the kids can't handle it, if the parents can't communicate well, or if there's been abuse. Kids don't "get used to" whatever we want them to get used to! They're people, and they're powerless, and it harms them to be shuffled around. How would you like to live out of a suitcase, having to figure out where you are every time you wake up? Think a little bit, please. Shared custody works when the parents are good communicators and are committed to working together -- and agree that shared is best. Otherwise, no -- and judicially, legislatively, the pendulum is swinging away from the experiment. But only after doing considerable damage.
- —Guest nana
It Can Work, but You Need to Provide!
- My ex and I split up three years ago. He was very bitter towards me, and this is still the case! We agreed to joint parenting, and my son was happy with this. The difficulty we face is that my ex does not pay for anything. He doesn't provide my son with clothes or dinner money, pocket money, etc. Therefore, I have to take financial responsibility. This is an issue when he spends 50% of his time with his dad. My ex has also moved several girlfriends in over this period of time, and his parenting skills differ to mine. The issue we have now is that my son would like to stay with me, but feels too loyal to his dad to change anything. I regret agreeing to the shared custody, and as it is now only my son who can change things.
- —Guest Haylz
A Jugde Who Did Not Care
- My ex has not seen my daughter at all during her three-and-half years of life...much less attempted to support her. She is sheltered and has only been away from my husband and I once or twice in her entire life - for short periods of time. My husband is her daddy as far as she understands. I was a stay-at-home mom for the first two years, and for the last year and a half I've been working at a preschool, and she is in my class. Also, my ex has a history of domestic violence, anger, and drug issues. Once incident involved my daughter and nearly killed her when she was just four months old! We had a two-year protective order placed against him. And currently he's on felony probation for choking his ex girlfriend. Because we have moved for work-related purposes, we are now with a different court, and they just granted my ex joint custody, and my daughter is expected to leave with this stranger this weekend and then all summer. I understand, even with his pattern of domestic violence and drug abuse, that he is the father of my precious baby girl, but this is too much!
- —Guest Prayingforthebest
Parenting is a Privilege, Not a Right
- My son's father has done nothing but verbally abuse, stalk, and harass me since I told him I was leaving when I was pregnant. He does weird things and then denies them, and he tells me I am sick and psychotic and need help. He has tried to force court-ordered counseling because he claims I have serious issues. I do my best not to speak to him unless I have to. Whenever I call to inform him of something regarding our child, he lashes out at me with some degrading opinion about my character. If I never saw a penny of child support in order to never hear or see him again, I would be just fine. I raise our child financially, emotionally, and physically. Him and other fathers seem to think that showing up is the only important thing in a child's life. Sometimes concessions have to be made so they can have consistency and stability. The fact is, we never got married; therefore I belvieve "half of everything" - without INVESTING in it - you are not entitled to!
- —Guest Itsaprivelage
Weak Court Systems
- The courts fail to truly consider the most important person involved in broken relationships - the children - who never get their day in court or are ever seen by the judge or lawyers. Because of the courts' failure to interact with these young victims, who never had a choice from the beginning, they continue to make rulings that inevitably destroy young lives and create a social pattern that will never be broken. They think abusive, controlling fathers should have rights to their children, even if their sole purpose is to destroy the mother of the child - and that is NOT in the best interest of the child. Wake up! The judicial system as it stands is hypocritical and diminishes the faith of upstanding citizens in this country.
- —Guest tluciano
Feeling Alienated and Hurt
- My ex-wife and I have joint / shared custody, and for the past 4 years she has done nothing but use my son, and our relationship, as a pawn for her wrongdoings. She’s moved with my son three times in the past four years, and she’s lived with two different men, along with my son. It eats me up inside because my son is in the middle of it. Meanwhile, I have been stable since our divorce. I don't reside with anyone because we agreed in our divorce degree to wait for that until our child is older; yet she has broken every agreement she made in the decree. Lawyer after lawyer tells me there is nothing they can do about it. Now, after just battling over where he will start school - which was in the decree - also I have to hire a lawyer just to enforce it. We had mediation scheduled but she cancelled it two days prior. The following month, I get notification that she is pregnant by a boyfriend who lives 120 miles away, and now she wants to take my custody away. My poor son! Poor me, too. The system is a joke!
- —fathersstruggle
Lack of Communication
- The relationship between my ex and I is acrimonious. Now we communicate primarily through email, or if necessary, by text messages. My ex has primary physical custody and I have partial. We have shared legal custody. I would like our relationship and communication to be much better, but he cancelled our court counseling appointments, so we agreed that we'd seek counseling privately. But this did not happen. Of course, he had multiple excuses. Then he went to counseling with his new bride. He and their therapist both reported that our children were not in counseling with them. Now my ex is acting as though primary physical custody means I am not allowed to pick them up from school (which is not specified in custody agreement), and the stepmom is taking them to their medical appointments, etc. My ex works a lot and goes away for business, and he defers to the stepmom. She has signed report cards and even a consent form for medical care for a new provider who didn't even have me on record! I only found out about this afterwards. Meanwhile, my ex feels he doesn't have to tell me anything unless it’s an emergency.
- —Guest baksys
And So the Abuse Continues...
- I am about to lose full custody of my daughter because I can't communicate well with my abusive, rapist ex who happens to be my daughters biological father. The court says that I should "get over my past issues" with my daughters father and communicate with him. And because I'm petrified of my daughters father, this will negatively influence my daughter, so she needs to have less time with me, my current husband, and our son.... And spend more time with the "emotionally stable parent." My daughter is 5 years old, and her biological father recently decided, just after my daughter turned 4, that he would now like to get to know his daughter. He has completed a six-week course for abusive, alcohol-dependent men. And now he's changed! He even apologized for raping me! Ha! And the court can't understand why I won't forgive him, and "get over it". I am now forced to hand my daughter over to my rapist, every second weekend. The father has decided he would like sole custody, and the ICL is in support. Thank you, family court.
- —Guest Loving my Daughter
They Tell Me to "Just Let it Go"
- My ex wants to go to shared care next year. He hasn't carried any responsibility since our break up 4 years ago - or during our marriage, for that matter. I want our kids to see their dad more, of course, but it's hard to give up what I've come to know for the past 19 years! My friends saying to just let it go, but they are my children. I have a lot invested there. It's hard to let it go – even to their dad, who doesn't even know what doctor the girls attend! I'm finding out there's not much support out there.
- —Guest sad
Now You Want to Be a Father!
- I have two kids, both from the same deadbeat father who never used to come home to spend time with his kids. Now I am going to court for domestic violence, and he is saying that he never hit me. He would do this in front of them! I am not going to sign anything for joint custody.
- —Guest arab women united
Abandon Your Values
- Co-parenting seems to be the best for solution for parents who are able to put themselves ahead of their family, but don't want to be deprived of their parenthood. For those of us who were loyal providers who behaved in accordance to our marriage vows, who have to deal with a fractured family, shared custody is insult added to injury. I don't see my children every morning or every night because she fell in love with someone at work, and I have to be "grown up" about it. Nice. But I see what she means to my eldest... I would not deprive her of her mother. So now I must participate in what is blatantly wrong to ease the pain of our children. I don't even have a legal choice. And for the next twenty years I'll have to deal with my ex and whatever whim comes to her next, just so I don't lose my RIGHT to parent. An honest loving spouse who is also a good parent pays twice. That's co-parenting.
- —Guest LostFamilyMan
Worried About Our Son
- I have been separated for 8 months. My ex accused me of abuse. She now has temporary custody. She never tries to make things better between us. We go back to court in October. I have tried everything to make her see that the person she is hurting the most is our son, but she does not seem to care and she is not doing what's best for our son.
- —Guest Sad dad
Double Edged Sword
- Our co-parenting situation has been decent, definitely not terrible, but not all that satisfying either. Our son is 3.5 and we both want to see him all the time, so we alternate every other night. This way we don't have to go too long without seeing him and he doesn't have to go too long without seeing us. This does make it tough for him to settle, though. It's like we have to choose between his physical needs (feeling settled and getting enough sleep) and his emotional/spiritual needs (seeing us often enough so he maintains a strong attachment to us both). To me, co-parenting has been like a double edged sword. I like that I get breaks a few nights a week to have some "me-time," but there's also a part of me that cries out, "I wish my son were here." Even though I'm the one who chose to leave my ex and agreed to co-parenting, I don't go a day without wondering if it's the best thing for our boy...and if maybe I could have found a way to make it work with his father.
- —Guest blakesmama
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