What prompted me to bring it up
I've been talking with my son about "The Daddy Question" for quite some time now. My son (12) began asking about his father at 4 years old. At that time, his father still lived in our city, but would only come to see my son a few times per year. He moved to the Midwest right before my son's 5th birthday, and we haven't seen him since.
Recently, my son had a major breakdown regarding his dad not being around. He is very angry with him; he feels his dad doesn't want him, and has even expressed the desire to hurt his dad if he ever sees him again!
How I explained his or her absence
I was, and always have been, very honest with my son about why his dad and I aren't together (when he was younger, he'd ask why we can't all live together).
I'm also honest about why his dad isn't around, to a point. I explain that his dad was young, and wasn't ready to be a father to him. I also explain that his dad has some issues, and is working on trying to get himself together so that, one day, he might be able to be a good father to my son.
I always make sure to tell my son that, in no way, shape, or form, does his father's absence have anything to do with him. I let him know that his dad loves him, and is thinking about him. I let my son know that we as human beings aren't perfect; sometimes, we mess up real bad, and when we mess up, we may hurt people in the process (like his dad has hurt him). But, people do change, people do get themselves together, and it's important that we allow those who have hurt us the opportunity to make amends.
I also tell my son that he can tell his father exactly what he's feeling the next time he sees him. I want him to know that his feelings are important, and he should feel free to get his feelings out in the open.
Most importantly, during these conversations (and, believe me, you will have these talks with your kids often. Don't expect them to just accept what you tell them at 4 years old, and never bring it up again!), I make sure to let my son know how much I love him, and that he can come to me at any time to talk about anything he wants to.
Advice
- Make sure you listen to your child. You may want to quiet their crying, or stop their rambling, but they need to get it out.
- Never EVER badmouth the absent parent.
- Be honest with your kids about why the absent parent isn't around, but leave the messy details out until they are old enough to really understand.
- If you know where the absent parent is, try to reach out to them, and let them know their child is missing them.
- Just do the best you can; if you need help, find or start a single parent support group.
- Mentoring programs work! If you don't have men in your life, find a mentoring program now!
