1. Take the Pressure Off of Your Children
Children have a much harder time dealing with the effects of divorce when those effects are ever-present and unresolved. Instead of relying on your kids for support, surround yourself with caring friends and family members you can vent to and lean on. Remember, too, that your children should not, under any circumstances, be held responsible for your emotional well-being or be expected to carry information to and form your ex on your behalf.
Practical Applications:
- Do not make the mistake of treating your children as confidants.
- Give yourself plenty of alone time.
- Find a trusted adult to lean on for emotional support.
- Keep a journal to sort through your feelings.
- Communicate directly with your ex, rather than through your children.
2. Resolve Any Remaining Conflict
Lingering, unresolved conflict can be more troubling to your children than the divorce itself. Make sure that you are doing everything that you can to resolve disputes with your ex calmly and effectively. This may mean letting go of some of your own justified anger and focusing instead on starting over as co-parents who share a common goal: your children's well-being.
Practical Applications:
- Meet with a mediator to resolve any remaining issues.
- Realize that you may need to re-establish trust with your ex.
- Pay attention to how and when arguments start, so that you can prevent conflicts.
- Continue to work through your anger so that you can start fresh.
3. Restore a Sense of Normalcy
Your children need to know what to expect in various situations. This is why it's so important to answer their questions early on in the divorce process. In addition, do what you can to establish and maintain a basic schedule, as well as consistency regarding the basic house rules for each home.
Practical Applications:
- Plan for as much parenting time with each parent as possible.
- Go over and above the typical visitation schedule.
- Uphold consistent expectations for your children's behavior.
- Be someone your kids can trust.
4. Help Your Children Process Their Feelings
One of the effects of divorce for children, and adults, is grief. Expect your children to grieve the loss of the family unit, as well as the loss of everyday interactions with both parents simultaneously. In addition, know that your children will experience various stages of grief. As a result, there will be times when they want space to be alone, and times when they want to talk about what they're going through.
Practical Applications:
- Let your kids see you setting aside other things when they want to talk.
- Make sure they they have adequate space, too, when they want to be alone.
- Be intentional about helping your kids process their anger.
- Recognize when it's time to seek professional help, as well.
5. Restore Your Kids' Hope for the Future
Let your kids know that the future will be a bright one for them, and for you. This may be something that they don't see right away, and that's okay. With time, and healing, they will begin to realize that each of you is, indeed, going to be able to go on despite any lingering effects of the divorce.
Practical Applications:
- Record positive events in a family journal.
- Make a list of fun outings for your weekends together.
- Include your children in future plans, such as moving or taking a vacation.
- Find ways to spend quality time with your kids when you are together.
