Tweens and teens have a hard time with divorce, too. Here are some of the behaviors you may see as a result of the changes that are going on at home, as well as a list of practical things you can do to provide structure and reassurance.
Related: Effects of Divorce in Children | Infants/Toddlers | Preschoolers | K-6 Children
Effects of Divorce in Tweens and Teenagers:
- Considers how the divorce will affect his or her social relationships
- May share the news and related details on social media networks
- May be critical of one or both parents
- Is resistant to sudden changes
- Is reluctant to accept parents’ new partner(s) or lifestyle changes
- Relies on peers for support and encouragement
- May be reluctant to discuss feelings
- May retreat into his or her room frequently
- Experiences strong emotions and may have sudden outbursts
- May refuse to cooperate
- May openly defy one or both parents
- May act out by making poor choices, lying, or performing poorly in school
- May self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, or sexual relationships
- May become aggressive and angry
- Feels abandoned by the non-resident parent
- May feel like he or she is being put in the middle or is being forced to choose one parent over the other
Red Flags for Tweens/Teens:
Any of the following behaviors warrants immediate intervention. Start by calling your child’s doctor or therapist, who can assist you and/or refer you to the most effective sources of help right in your own community.
- New or renewed difficultly sleeping
- Getting into trouble in school
- Poor school performance/failing grades
- Becoming emotionally withdrawn
- Cutting or self-harm
- Alcohol, tobacco, or drug use
- Violent outbursts
- Acting out sexually
- Running away
- Suicidal thoughts or actions
Action Steps for Parents of Tweens and Teens:
- Let your tweens/teens know that they did nothing to cause the divorce, nor could they have prevented it
- Offer lots of love and reassurance (they’re never too big for a hug!)
- Maintain high expectations of your child’s behavior and school performance
- Intervene early when you notice changes
- Stick to the house rules you’ve maintained thus far (don’t give in out of guilt or pity)
- Provide lots of opportunities to talk
- Allow your tweens/teens to share their feelings
- Maintain a strong sense of family by doing fun things together
- Ask for their input when possible
- Surround them with the love and care of extended family members
- Encourage your tweens/teens to maintain communication with the non-resident parent
- Demonstrate to your tweens/teens that the parenting schedule you have shared with him or her will take place as planned
- Be cordial to your ex in from of your tweens/teens
- Agree not to put your tweens/teens in the middle
- Seek the input of a trained counselor if you believe your tweens/teens are struggling with the divorce
- Make an intentional effort to take care of yourself, too
References:
Block, Jocelyn, M.A., et al. "Children and Divorce: Helping Your Kids Cope With the Effects of Separation and Divorce." Helpguide.org., Apr. 2010. Web. 3 Dec. 2010. <http://helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm>.
Wilson, Elaine, Brenda Sheik, and Tammy Fowler. Co-Parenting. Stillwater, Oklahoma: Oklahoma State University. PDF file.
