"Help! My Child Dislikes My Boyfriend."
One quote that stood out to me when I watched last week's episode of Must Love Kids was when Vanessa said she would never date someone her kids didn't like. I think that's a pretty common sentiment. How about you? Have you ever found yourself in that position?
Interestingly, Bonny Albo, About.com's Guide to Dating, just forwarded a question to me from one of her readers, and it deals with this very issue. Here's the question:
I am 33 years old, I and have two kids, ages 6 and 9. My 6-year-old adores the man I'm dating, but my 9-year-old dislikes my boyfriend and is adamantly against him. This concerns me a great deal. We have been dating for almost three years, and this problem has become a big roadblock in our relationship. In addition, my boyfriend has said to me point blank that I need to change my 9-year-old's behavior before he will consider taking things "to the next level." What should I do?
What would you tell her? Share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.
Personally, I didn't think the issue was that cut-and-dry. In my response to My Child Dislikes My Boyfriend, I asked the reader whether her child could be picking up on something about her boyfriend that she just doesn't see yet, or whether her son is rebelling against the idea of mom dating anyone at all. If it were me, those answers would strongly influence what I would do next.If this post was helpful to you:
Comments
I would not move forward until the issue is resolved. Your first priority which is of utmost importance is as a mother. No harm intended but it also sounds like your boyfriend is not sensitive to the fact that you and your children are a package deal. Rather than threating you with not wanting to take it to the next level; if he is serious he should be strategizing with you on how you both can help the situation. Adding the additional stress of threats is not the answer and speaks to his character. As a single parent you must choose someone that not only loves you but loves and accepts your children as well because if not it will show up eventually and the results could be potentially disasterous. Love as you well know is not easy and if you only love when the person is doing what you want or acting how you think they should then its not really love at all. It takes a strong man of character to love enough to endure the relationship in spite of the difficulties but that is when true love is always tested anyway. Ask yourself this do you want your child to think that your love is conditional or unconditional?
Hi Jen, This is such a loaded question. On the one hand, the 9 y/o might not be comfortable with the idea that someone has his mother’s attention or the 9 y/o might be feeling like the new guy is trying to take his Dad’s place (been through that). However, if the boyfriend is saying that she needs to adjust the kid’s attitude-that says a lot too. Is the kid being that much of a brat? Does she not see it? But then again, who is this guy to say how she should parent her child? He’s walking into an “insta-family”. So I think there are some things that should be discussed before the new guy can start making demands.
Well Jen, honestly your boyfriend says you need to change your daughter’s attitude, but has he ever attempted to accept the fact that maybe she just doesnt like him. If your children have to be open the the idea that this man is going to be in your life, then he has to accept that he is not thier dad and they may just not like him. Never put your child’s feelings on hold for someone else. Try talking to your daughter and see why she is not open to the idea of you having a boyfriend or the fact that she does not like him. Has your boyfriend ever tried discussing why they dont get along. If he is truly serious about you he has to understand that a relationship with previous kids is going to have fall backs. If he isnt willing to try to work things out with your kids then obviously he cant handle your relationship. You cant make your daughter like someone. If its been 3 years and she still has a problem with him its time to sit the both of them down and try to work out the situation. You dont want your daughter resenting you in the future because she felt that you weren’t concerned with her feelings. My mom was a single parent since I was 6. And she always put our feelings and thoughts before any man in her life. Men come and go girl but you kids will be there forever. I consult with my daughter about the people I haved dated before I ever let the relationship get serious. You are a package deal its not just you and him. He has got to realize your babies will always be there, and be your number one priority. Good luck!!!!
So well said, all of you! I think part of the confusion for Jane is that one child adores him and the other absolutely doesn’t like him at all. “B” makes a good point, though, that the boyfriend making demands and threats isn’t a positive way to handle the situation. Jane, if you’re reading this, any way you can give us an update? Best wishes to you!
WOW. This is great. I am actually having a similar situation. I could use some suggestions myself. My 11 yr old daughter has all of a sudden (within the past few months) doesn’t like my boyfriend. We split up for a few months and she is hurt. Her daddy died 5 years ago. The only reason she tells me that she doesn’t like him is that he’s too nice and that she’s afraid of getting hurt. I understand that so much, but I don’t see that as I reason to end my relationship with him. Any suggestions?? We do start counseling this week.
He was in a simliar situation with his 11 yr old son last year……one of the reasons that he backed off from us. I have two younger children (7 and 2) and they adore him and WANT to spend time with him. I struggle with pleasing EVEYONE!!! HELP!
My boyfriend’s sons have made it clear they don’t like me and treated me so disrespectfully at a family function I was invited to recently that I am totally devastated. My boyfriend insisted that their behavior was merely an extension of their attempt to battle his authority–he was asking them to do something for me and they ignored him. A little later I went over and sat down beside the pair and they looked at each other, stood up and walked away. They are 18 and 21. It is very hard to deal with rejection that is intentional on the part of “children” this age. I have gone out of my way to be pleasant and nice to both of them. I am only in their home once a week on average and my boyfriend. The 21 year old just moved back home when his younger brother left for college. He was nice to me when he moved back in but recently, after Halloween, started putting up a wall. You can ignore something like that but when they are rude to you in front of others at a family function it is hard not to take it seriously. I don’t know if it’s even the best thing for everybody to continue with the relationship. It’s one thing if two kids don’t like you; it’s another if they object to you and want you gone. Personally, I think it is very unkind and inconsiderate of them to treat their father with disrespect at a family function. For them to treat me disrespectfully is disrespectful to their father. However, children come first and I asked my boyfriend to find out how they feel. If they really object to him having me in his life, I don’t know what’s best to do. My boyfriend said it’s not up to them who is in his life but is that really true? Why would I want to intrude in their family or cause a conflict. My point is that it’s easy to blame the person in the couple who is the target of hostility from a child. Does anyone ever demand that their children behave nicely and politely? We can’t go through life being unpleasant to people we dislike. And why should we dislike anyone, really? Don’t we have to examine and reflect when we dislike someone who intends us no harm and is nice to us? It’s very painful to be rejected by children. I’ve had to weather rejection from immediate family members and bosses and co-workers. It’s no aphrodisiac when a boyfriend just expects you to ignore his hateful children.
I agree with Ming. I am dating a man for 3 years and he is a great guy,he has 4 children
20, 18, 14, 13. The 20 year old and 13 year old do not cause anybody grief, but the two girls 14 and 18 are demanding, disrespectful
talk nasty to their father, they try to talk nasty to me, but I let them know that it is disrespectful to speak to me that way. Their father never said anything to them when they spoke disrespectful to me in the past, I have spoken to him about and he continues to do nothing, so I took matters into my own hands and make them respect my boundaries. They all like me, but the problem I am having is my boyfriend does NOT discipline his children or tell them no. He has set up the pattern when he and their mother seperated 7 years ago to just give them their way no matter what, just for peace, but the price of peace has gotten bigger and bigger to where those two girls are out of control and drama queens. There mother is no help she works 60 hours a week just to stay away from them and what annoys me is my boyfriend pays the ex-$2000. month and he has the kids all the time. Her working 60 week just started about 3 months ago and this is really putting a strain on our relationship, not because of me…he just does not control these girls and since he has them all the time now it is hard for me to be around them. I have two boys of my own 20 and 27 and they do not live at home anymore so NO i am not being selfish just annoyed by their behavior to the point that I am thinking of getting out of the best relationship I ever had. I don’t want to hear about the package deal..been there.. I was a single Mom for 15 years. I just would like for our time together to not be constantly interrupted. These two girls last month called him on his cell over 150 times. He does not let them do anything on their own. They ask him to do everything for them. His other two children are very independent. I am very sad as this was a beautiful relationship. Any advice?
Well Im in a similar situation, my boyfriend who I move in with right after my separation, was also newly separated from his wife, left and came back. Me and my children were put thru alot with his ex, who was horrible to all of us. My boyfriend went back to her to be sure what he had done was the “right thing”. I tried to move on. 3 weeks later he was calling . Knowing he had made the wrong decision. I forgave him, I love him, we have so much fun together and I know our life will be great. However, my children, (and my parents) are very hesitant to forgive him. I really want him in my life but when my kids dont want anything to do with him it breaks my heart. I have been waiting along time for someone who truly makes me happy. Please help me ……
I think this is totally normal, from someone who grew up with her parents dating a lot. Your kid doesn’t WANT to like them. For one thing.. they don’t know if they will be around forever.. how can they trust that.. and most of all it’s not their dad. I remember when I met my moms first new boyfriend the first thing I said to him was, “you’re not my daddy” I was like 4. Honestly I would be worried if your kid got along with him too much..
I am having th esame problem with my little girl i have been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years she is 10 years old now and today she has given me an ultimatium him or her which has left me shocked and in limbo she says she has never liked him from the wprd dot but because the other 2 didnt she didnt want toiht upset them. She has been through alot her dad use to beat her and grandad has also done something he shouldnt i am not sure if this something to do with that or not.
The boyfriend has agreed he will leave because he feels i shouldnt have to choose.
I agree this is a very common problem and it seems the older the children are, the more critical they are of your friends. I would first find out exactly what it is that your daughter doesn’t like about your friend. And really listen and be honest with yourself. Sometimes we overlook a lot of bad behavior when we are lonely. But if the complaints are just untrue or because they “just don’t like them” don’t let them control your life. If they don’t learn boundaries when they are young, it only gets harder as they get older. As a single mother of three boys(5,6, and 9) I had the same problem with my 9 year old when my husband and I first met. He even threw rocks at his new car! (which was not like him at all.) My husband fortunately understood they were afraid of someone getting Mom’s attention (there is never enough when you’re a single parent). He did every thing he could to win them over (though he did always expect them to behave respectfully to both of us) He spent as much time as possible doing things with them and we never went anywhere without them (until much later) That seemed to do it -I think most children of divorced parents are afraid of losing their parents love and attention and being replaced by someone else. We have been married 20 years and are the proud parents of three kind, loving, respectful young men.
What ever happen? Did the boyfriend leave or did the child get an attitude adjustment? Kids are selfish although at 9 a child needs to be taught acceptance and respect. Talk to her ask her what she dislikes, if there is no grounds then it is pure selfishness…listen I have the sweetest boyfriend, will do anything for my kids and my teenager can pretend he doesnt even stand there like a brat…I allowed it untilhe alsmost walked out on me ,and thru no fault of his own…Hes done nothing wrong…Why should I and he pay the price because of this childs lack of?